I don’t think anyone understands the feeling of losing a lover. I don’t mean in general. I just mean they don’t understand the feeling themselves.
I spent two months on the phone with him. Every single day. We were on the phone at least 8 to 9 hours and it was my comfort. We talked and even if we didn’t talk, we would be relishing in each other’s company quietly.
When he and I got into our argument, I sought hard to talk about it together. It was a problem easily solved if he had wanted to work it out more than sulk by himself. It would’ve been a problem easily solved if he tried to. What we argued about was petty.
The only thing I wanted from him was his time and attention. Being in a long distance relationship is hard when calls and texts were our only form of communication and he was trying to do none of it.
Of course, we broke up. He couldn’t stand the emotional risks that came with a relationship, a relationship that I was at my most ready and mature for and he couldn’t understand my feelings. He couldn’t fill the gap in our relationship, take the soft criticism that I gave so we could improve what relationship we had.
He broke my heart first before I broke his.
We planned for so many things in the future. We planned on how we were going to meet, where we would get married, the kids we were going to have. How I would have met his family and I genuinely wanted to do every single thing with him.
When I lost my lover that day, I also lost my best friend.
My best friend — I told him every single thing he needed to know about me and my day. We had times when he would stay up past 5am talking to me because he wanted to spend time with me despite our time difference. He told me everything about himself and I remembered all of it. He was truly my best friend and I was his.
I miss my best friend. When I lost my lover, I also lost my best friend. When I lost my best friend, I lost a part of my soul and he touched every inch of it. I lost the smile that he used to bring to my face when he randomly called me at different parts of the day and I lost the spirit to do everyday things because I was accustomed to doing them with him.
I sit in my room sometimes and think about what we’d be doing now if we were still speaking. I don’t forget a single thing and I still care about him but he needs to grow up first.
He went into this relationship not ready when I was ready. I spent the last ten months since my last relationship fixing myself and improving my person but he needs to do the same. Otherwise we wouldn’t be on the same page.
I doubt that we’ll speak again but I just hope that the next girl he talks to doesn’t get treated how I was because he still isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship.