The title of this post says it all.
Protecting my peace was the best decision I ever made. In between the struggles of dealing with my father’s death, my abusive, narcissistic ex-boyfriend, losing the boy I would’ve truly wanted to marry and my best friend, I settled on this peace in my life that I never knew could exist.
Sure, problems do still persist — the ups and downs of home life and school but this is the most peaceful I’ve ever felt mentally.
Ever since those unfortunate events unfolded in my life, I’ve found myself easily cutting people out of my life and I find myself growing mentally healthier as time goes. I used to stay in a place because of my desperation to fit in but I never knew how toxic a place could be no matter how much you wanted to be in it.
I think about my choices every now and then. I think about what could have been avoided and I think about the things that I could have said that would have made people stay but I think about the times they made me feel after and if they loved me, they wouldn’t have done what they did. It’s hard to cut people out that you truly cared about but when you do, the peace that comes after is serene.
I wish I could describe what I’m feeling now.
This feeling of content doesn’t come unblemished. I periodically find myself feeling lonely, craving for the emotional bonds I used to have with certain people but at the same time, anger slowly sets in followed by the meditation I do to forgive myself for allowing bad things to happen to me. It’s a circle that doesn’t seem to end but when I find my peace each time, I strive to protect it.
I’m sitting in my living room now writing this post. I feel the loneliest that I could ever feel, not because of the lack of romantic partners or friends but for the people I had to cut out to feel what I feel today.
It’s well-deserved but it doesn’t make me less sad or disappointed.