In my last post, I spoke about how I had at some point, wanted to marry someone I had only known for a month.
I spoke about how I loved him as a person if not a lover, and I spoke high about him as how one would have spoken about a blissful relationship. I spoke about how we were comfortable with each other and that I genuinely saw that I could live with him the rest of my life if we ever worked out.
Of course, things didn’t work out as how they always do.
I spent so much time in last 12 months searching high and low for a lover. I searched desperately for someone I could love, cherish and spend my time with. Unfortunately, those were times when I would have taken anyone and settled for less when I deserved the world.
Those were times where I dealt with countless immature boys who did not know how to treat a woman. Those were times where I met with several boys who only wanted one thing that I could not give to them.
With the last one I dated, he was by far the best that I had.
He was someone I wanted to marry and oh, did he treat me so well like I deserved. I enjoyed what little time I had with him and I was never so careful around anyone before. I made sure not to fall too hard or too fast, and I made sure to let him woo me but what was meant to be wooing became an attraction to him instead.
I realised that I made so many mistakes with him after we ended. I expected him to treat him like how my ex-boyfriend treated me — abusive and cunning — but he was the complete opposite and it made me realise how difficult it was for me to adapt. I had this mentality that how I treated before during my abusive relationship was how I was supposed to be treated in all my future relationships.
When things ended between my last date and I, I made the difficult decision to not look for love anymore. I wanted to work on myself but at times, I found myself craving for a man’s touch and affection. I craved the attention I used to get from him and I know I certainly missed him.
I lacked the motivation to improve myself because I saw myself ready and fit for adult life. I was doing things that proper adults would do, and I was 21 years old myself. Whilst I felt nothing like an adult, I was one.
And yet, something was missing.
And then, I realised that perhaps, I wasn’t mature enough for a relationship yet and maybe that’s why none of my relationships had worked out.
I thought that maybe this is it, immaturity on my part. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and neither was he. We both couldn’t agree on something that was sensitive to talk about and we both couldn’t work it out.
As a 21-year-old woman, I think it takes a real woman to recognise immaturity in herself and to work on self-correcting.
I was still too busy trying to find my true purpose in life that I hadn’t had the right time to fully develop myself as a person. And when I craved for that male touch, I rushed into a relationship whenever I could and that made me settle for less.
I found the perfect guy and I fucked it up with him because I wasn’t mature enough to handle it and neither was he.
Two weeks ago, I made the decision to stop looking for love.
Yesterday, I found the reason why.
And for me, it takes a lot to recognise self-immaturity and that’s why it will be my strongest weapon.