it takes a real woman to recognise immaturity

In my last post, I spoke about how I had at some point, wanted to marry someone I had only known for a month.

I spoke about how I loved him as a person if not a lover, and I spoke high about him as how one would have spoken about a blissful relationship. I spoke about how we were comfortable with each other and that I genuinely saw that I could live with him the rest of my life if we ever worked out.

Of course, things didn’t work out as how they always do.

I spent so much time in last 12 months searching high and low for a lover. I searched desperately for someone I could love, cherish and spend my time with. Unfortunately, those were times when I would have taken anyone and settled for less when I deserved the world.

Those were times where I dealt with countless immature boys who did not know how to treat a woman. Those were times where I met with several boys who only wanted one thing that I could not give to them.

With the last one I dated, he was by far the best that I had.

He was someone I wanted to marry and oh, did he treat me so well like I deserved. I enjoyed what little time I had with him and I was never so careful around anyone before. I made sure not to fall too hard or too fast, and I made sure to let him woo me but what was meant to be wooing became an attraction to him instead.

I realised that I made so many mistakes with him after we ended. I expected him to treat him like how my ex-boyfriend treated me — abusive and cunning — but he was the complete opposite and it made me realise how difficult it was for me to adapt. I had this mentality that how I treated before during my abusive relationship was how I was supposed to be treated in all my future relationships.

When things ended between my last date and I, I made the difficult decision to not look for love anymore. I wanted to work on myself but at times, I found myself craving for a man’s touch and affection. I craved the attention I used to get from him and I know I certainly missed him.

I lacked the motivation to improve myself because I saw myself ready and fit for adult life. I was doing things that proper adults would do, and I was 21 years old myself. Whilst I felt nothing like an adult, I was one.

And yet, something was missing.

And then, I realised that perhaps, I wasn’t mature enough for a relationship yet and maybe that’s why none of my relationships had worked out.

I thought that maybe this is it, immaturity on my part. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and neither was he. We both couldn’t agree on something that was sensitive to talk about and we both couldn’t work it out.

As a 21-year-old woman, I think it takes a real woman to recognise immaturity in herself and to work on self-correcting.

I was still too busy trying to find my true purpose in life that I hadn’t had the right time to fully develop myself as a person. And when I craved for that male touch, I rushed into a relationship whenever I could and that made me settle for less.

I found the perfect guy and I fucked it up with him because I wasn’t mature enough to handle it and neither was he.

Two weeks ago, I made the decision to stop looking for love.

Yesterday, I found the reason why.

And for me, it takes a lot to recognise self-immaturity and that’s why it will be my strongest weapon.

at some point, i wanted to marry a guy i only knew for a month

We already had a gist of what our future relationship would be like.

It would’ve been long-distance mostly, speaking over the phone and seeing each other’s faces on the other side of the screen. We wouldn’t have been able to be together more than we were together but for me, that was what made me more excited to see him every single time. It made me appreciate the little moments we had together and I wanted it.

For the rest of my life.

When we first met, it was like living a long-distance relationship. We often called each other almost everyday, he often texted me in the mornings and evenings after work. I waited to hear his voice and he always thought about when he got to hear mine next.

And when we first met in person after three weeks, I gave him the biggest hug. I knew right then that he was right for me.

I wanted to marry him. I felt like he was the one who would treat me right and we were comfortable with each other. I told him things that were so hard for me to move on from, my vulnerabilities and he told me things that he’s never told anyone before — a dark past.

We never judged each other, he was supportive of me and he helped me in ways that was so different from my abusive ex-boyfriend that made me realize that maybe, I chose right this time.

I chose what I deserved and I knew my worth.

I wanted to be with him and somewhere on the inside, I knew he wanted to be with me too even when our time was short.

He avoided talking about the future but we knew that it wouldn’t have worked out well anyway. We would have separated, become friends and watched each other move on with different people in their lives.

But still, I wanted to marry him.

Other people wanted me to marry him.

People thought we’d make beautiful children together.

People thought we were the cutest couple ever.

People could see just how happy I was compared to before.

You see, he never made me happy. I was happy on my own even without him but what he made me, he made me feel at peace; home.

He made me feel like the world’s problems didn’t exist anymore and I could sleep in his arms in the middle of the beach.

He made me feel at home.

And he was home.

I wanted to marry him.

I made the decision only a month after I knew him but I wanted to. We dated for two months but within a month of knowing him, I knew what I wanted. I didn’t love him yet, not as a lover but I loved him as a person already and I knew that those feelings would have grown with time.

But sometimes, things don’t work out.

Homes get destroyed and people leave. We make mistakes that cannot be corrected and people move on.

I don’t think we’ll ever get back together again but I know that at one point, I wanted to marry him.

was it worth it?

Was it worth it bringing up a topic that we were both not ready to talk about?

To begin with, it was meant to be a discussion, a way to talk about our feelings and communicate but communication goes both ways and sometimes, not everyone gets it.

So was it worth it, bringing up a topic we both weren’t ready to talk about, not knowing that they wouldn’t have accepted your feelings and opinions because of how one-sided they were?

Was it worth it ruining something good just to talk about our feelings?

Recently, I expressed a feeling I had; disappointment and hurt — to someone I deeply cared about.

And it was about an extremely sensitive topic for both him and I; money.

What was meant to be a discussion about my feelings turned into an argument that went back and forth about him telling me not to tell him how to spend his money, and me explaining that I wasn’t doing that but rather upset that he was spending his money when he should have been saving up for a specific reason we both knew was important.

We didn’t speak for a week and when we did, he was cold and hostile.

I tried hard to talk to him about it in the next few days so we could fix whatever we had broken and he avoided it and stopped replying my messages after our short conversation.

I think it was worth it. A lot of people say the same because we know what his true colours are but some part of me wishes that I never brought it up at all because then I wouldn’t lose what we had over a conversation about my feelings.

Understanding that communication is essential to every relationship is important but having the ability to apply it in real time is completely different. Everyone can talk about how communication is important but when it’s our turn to communicate our feelings, it’s barbaric and out of line to them.

I wouldn’t call it narcissism or manipulative but rather egoistic and immature. Prideful and narrow-minded. A dreamer but not a doer.

Was it worth it?

Yes.

Do I regret it?

A little, I miss him but I could do without him.

He was perfect but perhaps he was looking for a way out of this relationship and whatever it was, he took it and ended it.

I think it was worth it because I did us both a favour.