is it time to forgive?

I’ve written about this many times and I suppose, this will be the last time I ever will.

It’s come to that point in my life where I close this chapter of the book and go onto the next one. To move on and accept that whilst the events had unfolded many months ago, I cannot deny that they happened and I can only learn from it. While I try to hope and pretend that they didn’t exist, the truth never ceases to exist.

In July 2018, I met someone who I thought was my first love. He was, but with the help of manipulation, lies and false sense of securities, oh yes, I loved him.

My first boyfriend saw me as a fling. In fact, I never saw him as a boyfriend until he called me his girlfriend and we just foolishly went on from there. I was young, inexperienced and I had a lot to learn from the world outside my own.

He manipulated me, emotionally abused me and in every sense of word, lied to get what he wanted. He was sure to repeatedly remind me that he wasn’t a liar, but yet, he was the exact same thing he said he wasn’t. Perhaps hypocrite would suffice for his character.

For months after we broke up, I tried to leave him. I tried to stop talking to him even knowing that despite how much I loved him, he was toxic and bad for me. I tried to cut him out of his life but every time, he would manipulate me and play the victim as if I was the bad person for leaving him.

“I know I’m hard to love and that’s okay because in the end, everyone just throws me away as easily.”

He uttered those words to me once and it made me determined to keep loving him and be there for him to prove him wrong.

Oh, how I wish I knew just how manipulative those words were.

He emotionally abused me several times. He took my self-worth away just so I could bring his up. He made me feel like life wouldn’t have any sense without him. He made me feel like I needed him in my life or I would lose all meaning. The first time I confided in him, he judged me for the situation that I was in, shamed me and called me things that I didn’t think I was.

That, in itself, was enough to emotionally abuse me.

It took me six months to cut him out of my life. I tried for months and finally, I had it. The last time I spoke to him, I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t sad. I wished him good on his future and bid him congratulations for finishing with his service to the military.

And that was the last of it.

My self-worth has improved considerably since then. I’ve not had anyone tell me that I wasn’t beautiful enough, or that I was too boring, or that I had no redeemable qualities. I’ve made myself my own person. I’ve gotten my school work done and fixed, my own makeup has improved on my own accord and no more hearing “if you improved your makeup by doing what I told you to, you’d look like those beautiful Instagram models.”

In the last six months, I had been talking to a new man every single week in search of replacing my ex-boyfriend. In hopes that they could fill the gap that he left. Hoping that one of them could make me as happy, but to no avail. I got disappointed every single time and it made me frustrated, desperate.

Why couldn’t I find someone who could make me happy?

Two days ago, my sister told me, “You are your own happiness. Don’t depend on your partner to make you happy because it’s not their job. Their job is to amplify your happiness.”

I’ve never heard of anything truer.

A few weeks ago, I met someone. This one was different because he was special. I don’t mean to scare him away and I don’t want to. And the first time I met him, I had never felt more happier in so long. Not because he made me happy but because I felt happy that I could be myself around him and he wouldn’t shame me for what I was. I felt like truly, he was different from everyone else I’d met.

How cliche is it?

I try to be patient with him. Not rush things. Not expect things. We’re in a limbo that I can’t figure out but on the inside, I know that he’s just as scared as I am.

I’m scared that he’ll use me as how my ex-boyfriend did. I’m scared that if he doesn’t return the feelings that I have for him, he’ll use my feelings to his advantage. I’m scared that he’ll manipulate me knowing that I would do anything for him. I’m scared of what’s beyond what we have now.

My fear stems from my ex-boyfriend but I’m no longer thinking about him anymore. I haven’t thought about him in a long time. I would take an even longer time to forgive what he’s done, and I would admit to a forever never where I will let him back into my life.

This is the last time that I write about him because I may still be angry, upset and hurt, but he is no longer part of my life. It has been a month and I hope it goes on to be a year and a decade where I won’t think about the boy who broke my heart and crushed it single-handedly. I will never step foot into someone else’s life with much anguish expecting them to bend by my traumas because this is me starting anew.

I want to be able to love again without fearing the bad and I want to be able to smile knowing that whoever smiles with me smiles genuinely.

But most of all, I want to be able to forgive myself, accept that it happened and to forgive him when I’m ready because we are all fools and he was a fool who didn’t know he lost a gem.

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